Tips on How to Recover from a Breakup

Few experiences are as emotionally painful as the end of a relationship. Whether the breakup came as a complete surprise or was something you saw coming, the loss can leave you feeling anxious, alone, heartbroken and emotional. You may find yourself crying at random times during the day or night, questioning what you did wrong, or wondering if you'll ever find love again.

If you’re emerging from a relationship that has ended, you may feel destabilized. Having a steady romantic partner can be soothing and calming to the nervous system. In a healthy relationship, partners begin to regulate each other’s nervous system. To suddenly have that taken away, can be emotionally dysregulating. 

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If you never learned how to regulate your own nervous system in your developmental years, it can be difficult to regulate your own nervous system, especially during a crisis such as a breakup. It can be tempting to try and regulate yourself through external measures such as drinking alcohol, immediately dating someone else, or endlessly scrolling on your phone. However, these methods only work temporarily and they can have negative long-term consequences. 

Remember that you are in the aftermath of a breakup and that you will not feel this way forever. You’re going through a big transition in life so you’re allowed to be gentle with yourself and to treat yourself the same way you would treat someone who has just experienced a huge loss in their life. 

Allow Yourself to Grieve

People sometimes think they should just get over it because it’s not like anyone died but truthfully, a breakup is like experiencing a death. You may even go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The five stages of grief isn’t a linear process and you may cycle through different states. As part of the grieving process you may be replaying aspects of the relationship and blaming yourself for the loss. In truth, most relationships end because something wasn't working though, not because one person was entirely at fault.

Reconnect with Yourself

Relationships naturally become part of our identity, from the friends you have, the routines you create, to the activities you do together. When they end, it's common to feel as though you've lost a part of yourself.

However, breakups can be an opportunity to rediscover who you are outside of a relationship. Reach out to friends, revisit hobbies you've neglected, explore new interests, go for walks and connect with nature. Ask yourself what you enjoy doing. Relationships require a lot of time so now that you’re not in one, you can spend time developing a new skill, watching movies your ex never wanted to watch, or reading books to develop yourself further. 

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You Don't Have to Go Through It Alone

While talking to friends and family and engaging in activities you enjoy can be invaluable to going through a breakup, there are times when you might need more support. Low self-esteem, unhealthy patterns, fears of being unlovable or unresolved childhood trauma may all get stirred up during a breakup.

Therapy offers a nonjudgmental space to unpack and process all the things that feel overwhelming to deal with on your own. Therapy with me can help you process your emotions, understand relationship patterns, and rebuild confidence and trust after heartbreak. It can help you grow from the breakup and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.